I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
