I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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