i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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