We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
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