I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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