he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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