a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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