Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
