were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i can't believe i had my finger in that
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize