mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
