I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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