my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
