watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
