My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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