I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
