I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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