in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize