bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize