I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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