my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
