Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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