My liver just broke up with me...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
