you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
