It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize