Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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