Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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