It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
