I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
