Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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