I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
