I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
