carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
