If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
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