I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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