Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
