I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
