She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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