So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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