the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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