tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Randomize
