I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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