I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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