The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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