No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize