I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
