I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
someone owes me an orgasm
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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