hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
