It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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