When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
