hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
