By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
