I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
