the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
